Yokels

When I was in high school, I dated a girl named Sara. You can pretty much forget about that right now, because it's only an introduction, and I only mention it to a) set the scene, and b) explain why I was hanging out with a four-year old.

So I'm over at Sara's house one afternoon, and her little sister Abigail is there, too. Abigail is maybe three or four years old at this point, which more or less automatically makes her both insane and a lot more fun to talk to than her parents who don't seem to care for me very much.

Me: Hey Abigail, c'mere. I got a question for you.
Abigail: Yep.
Me: Okay buddy, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Abigail: A firetruck.
Me: Um... Abigail, do you mean a firewoman?
Abigail: Nope.

On the way home I saw a firetruck and I couldn't help but think that Abigail really is a pretty name for a firetruck.

Jeff the cat would make you think twice before calling him a pussy.

Guess where I'm going tonight.

Pickle Juice Sport.

Hitler makes me hungry.

If I ever have to buy from this catelog, I'm buying from Hammer Time.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure the last column is pointless (unless they know something about goats that I don't).

An oldie, but goodie.

So Patrice Bergeron just signed for 5 years. Although he'll only make 3 million this year, that doesn't really matter. The cap breakdown works out to a cap hit of 4.75mil each year. The CBA is weird with averages like that.

Obviously, there are some concerns. Bergeron is only 16 years old or something. Sure he's Boston's #1 center, but it seems kind of silly to sign such a young guy for that much money. The Bruins are investing a lot of their future into this kid, and this devil-may-care attitude about signing players to long-term contracts might worry lots of Bruins fans.

Not me, though. Not at all.

First off, let me say that I love this signing. It shows that the Bruins are serious about signing good players - players that they believe may be the anchors of this team for the next five or so years - to heavy contracts.

This is the first year in recent memory that the Bruins haven't had a single hold-out going into camp. It's refreshing, so maybe I'm so refreshed that I'm not thinking straight.

If you look at how the B's have invested their money right now, there are some question marks. Savard at 5 mil for four years? Murray at 4.15 for three more?

As far as the bad contracts go, here's my 2 cents:

First cent) Murray will score about 30 goals irregardlessably of his linemates, and will show that he's a slightly overpaid sniper who will continue to improve his defensive skills as he grows older. He'll never be a hero in Boston, but you might hear some slob in a bar in Boston expressing surprise about his backchecking ability next year.

Cent number two) Savard really worries me. I wish I could sugar-coat this one, but he's going to be a disappointment, especially at 5 million per season. He was great last year when he was dishing passes to Kovalchuk and Hossa, but Murray and whoever (Kessel or Kalus maybe?) aren't of that caliber. I'd be very happy to see 55 points out of this guy, and that's if he doesn't get injured beforehand (which he will). He's also supposed to be "hilarious" in the lockerroom, which pretty much translates to "asshole who thinks it's funny to put shaving cream in your skates." Although I've never had anyone put shaving cream in my skates, I can pretty much guarantee that if my family was from Ontario or some such, my brother would have done this to me, and I would have been pissed about it. There may not be any real logical connection here, but somehow my imaginary Canadian brother and Marc Savard both seem like dicks, and that's good enough for me.

Okay, so on to the good news about the Bergeron signing. If I were to build a team from scratch, the basic ingredients I'd look for would be: a great defenseman; a great first center; a great defensive forward; and a great goaltender. The Bruins, with Chara, Bergeron, and Axelsson, have wrapped up 75% of these needs for the next few years. Hopefully Thomas and Toivonen can provide the missing 25%, although only Thomas is locked up long-term. I guess time will tell.

Next year, the Bruins will have to reisign some RFAs: Toivonen, Jurcina, Alberts, and Stasny. If Toivonen rocks next year he will be in for a big raise of his current half-mil salary. The others are iffy. Jurchina could be the next Zdeno Chara, or he could be the next Hal Gill. Alberts hits like a mack truck, but sometimes seems conspiciously retarded in his on-ice decisions. Stasny, although hard-working and likeable, is replaceable - A solid third liner at best.

The UFAs are more troublesome. Marco Sturm and Brad Stuart are set to leave at the end of next year. So is the other brother Primeau, but he won't hurt as much if he leaves. Sturm is fast as balls (lightning balls, dude!), and is one of the only reasons you'd ever watch Germany play in an international tournament. He might be replacable. Brad Stuart is very good. I didn't know how good he was until he showed up on the East Coast. Primeau is replaceable. Sturm might be. Stuart is not.

I hope the Bruins can make this new philosophy work. Keep the nucleus of the team for years, and just watch out for the cap ceiling. It's not that hard.

I'm not a math guy, so maybe I missed a few points where the Bruins are screwing themselves. I'm not retarded though. Look, I took the short bus to school in seventh grade, but that's because I lived on 5th street and they told me that I only had to walk seven blocks to the bus stop but when I got to 8th street there was a little bus waiting just for me. Well, me and another kid, but once we got his wheelchair onto the ramp, we were on our way. And you know what? That afternoon I found out that the short bus gets you home faster than the regular bus. That was the day I discovered that convenience is more important than math. So anyway, maybe I missed something.

I'm not saying that Boston is the next franchise to watch out for, but they'll make the playoffs this year.

I'd rather have Joe Thornton than Patrice Bergeron, and I'd rather have Ray Bourque than Zdeno Chara. Can't live in the past, though. For now, I'm enjoying the future.

This will be fixed. I just got incredibly tired of that weird space between the header and the beginning of the main text. Everything is saved, so I'll add images and our old Haloscan comments later.

I just wanted to post something about the Bergeron signing, but got distracted.

Another thing that shouldn't be.

Moe & Les. Second row, third column.

Deer think condoms are uncomfortable.