Monday, August 25
"It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada"
You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud
music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the
fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His
lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the
feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears
Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you
discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends
at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard
is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're
up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things.
It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your
attic have been building an espresso machine.
Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along
brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada
wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can
only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed
to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the
stuff anyway.
And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are
authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is
considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana
possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the
penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a
speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate
resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's
smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every
individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong. Now, here's the
part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor
benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a
drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991.
And Canada has strict gun control laws, which means that the
criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians
helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation
campaign.(The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm
sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.)
They don't even have a death penalty!
And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been
declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in
2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with
guns -- brought in from the UnitedStates, which has
become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of
North America -- but my theory is that the surge in pot-
smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to
commit violentcrimes. They're probably more focused
on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just
last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize
same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they
be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they
always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet
on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really
care about families. Not enough to make sure they
all have health insurance, of course, but more than
those libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger
to all ourstereotypes about Canada. It's supposed
to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking
hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters
in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists
and royalists moreinterested in order and good
government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we
spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to
march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved
and moderate, why are they so progressive about
letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we
are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government
isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups
and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia
than those of the United States, or, say, Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets
19-year-olds drink,has more of its population living in
urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than
the United States.
These are all things we've been told will wreck our society.
But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs
seems oddly sound.
Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom
but really demand that everyone be the same. But the
Canadians seem more adult -- more secure. They
aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of
homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
Noel Dattrino
CI Sales & Marketing
Toll Free 1-800-665-6994
Fax 604-681-3367
music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the
fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His
lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the
feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears
Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you
discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends
at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard
is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're
up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things.
It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your
attic have been building an espresso machine.
Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along
brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada
wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can
only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed
to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the
stuff anyway.
And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are
authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is
considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana
possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the
penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a
speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate
resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's
smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every
individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong. Now, here's the
part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor
benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a
drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991.
And Canada has strict gun control laws, which means that the
criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians
helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation
campaign.(The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm
sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.)
They don't even have a death penalty!
And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been
declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in
2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with
guns -- brought in from the UnitedStates, which has
become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of
North America -- but my theory is that the surge in pot-
smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to
commit violentcrimes. They're probably more focused
on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just
last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize
same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they
be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they
always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet
on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really
care about families. Not enough to make sure they
all have health insurance, of course, but more than
those libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger
to all ourstereotypes about Canada. It's supposed
to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking
hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters
in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists
and royalists moreinterested in order and good
government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we
spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to
march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved
and moderate, why are they so progressive about
letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we
are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government
isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups
and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia
than those of the United States, or, say, Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets
19-year-olds drink,has more of its population living in
urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than
the United States.
These are all things we've been told will wreck our society.
But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs
seems oddly sound.
Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom
but really demand that everyone be the same. But the
Canadians seem more adult -- more secure. They
aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of
homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
Noel Dattrino
CI Sales & Marketing
Toll Free 1-800-665-6994
Fax 604-681-3367
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