Friday, September 2
Today at work a guy who sits across from me asked me what I'd do if I won the MegaMillions Jackpot. I had plenty of answers, but none of them were really interesting. Travel, donate some cash to the World Wildlife Fund, try to start a career in writing, build a life-sized gold-plated facsimile of me punching a Tyranosaurus Rex in the ankle, etc.
Nice, but not terribly creative.
I've had time to think about it now, and I've got a new program. It takes place in a volleyball court. Me, Jessica Alba, and the re-animated corpse of Yokozuna are the players. Fuck it, I'm sure science can bring Yokozuna back with my millions of dollars, right? So I'm on one side of the court with Jessica Alba, and the Zombie Yokozuna is on the other. I have to stand at the line where they serve a volleyball in a regular volleyball game, Jessica has to stand within 4 feet of the net on my side, and Zombie Yokozuna has to stand 10 feet from the net on the other side of the court. Zombie Yokuzuna cannot move, Jessica Alba is allowed to move anywhere she wants as long as it's within 4 feet of the net, and I'm stuck at the server's spot. We're all playing to win, because the consequences of losing are ugly. Ugly like midget porn.
The game goes like this: I have 150 uncooked and still slightly frozen hot dogs. I have to throw them at Zombie Yokozuna. If I hit Z.Y. with an uncooked frank, he has to eat the hot dog. Jessica Alba can block my toss if she can do it without moving outside her 4-foot area. If Jessica catches the frank or I miss the Zombie Yokozuna, I eat the hot-dog. If Jessica moves outside her area, she eats a hot dog, and I get another free shot. If I decide to throw a hot dog at Jessica Alba and hit her, she has to eat the hot dog (of course, if she catches it, I eat the hot dog).
You get it?
At the end of the game, the two people who have eaten the most hot dogs have to fight. I think if I make Yokozuna eat enough hot dogs, Jessica Alba might have a chance against him. If I have to fight Jessica Alba, it doesn't matter who wins on paper, because really I win either way. If I end up fighting Yokozuna, I'm fucked, but I'm still a millionaire.
Also, this will be on Pay-Per-View. Some of the proceeds will go to the World Wildlife Fund, some of it will go to making a statue of me fighting a T.Rex, and some of it will go to getting Jessica Alba drunk enough to think I'm cute. The rest gets donated to science, so we can re-animate Yokozuna for next year's event.
You gotta dream, right?
Nice, but not terribly creative.
I've had time to think about it now, and I've got a new program. It takes place in a volleyball court. Me, Jessica Alba, and the re-animated corpse of Yokozuna are the players. Fuck it, I'm sure science can bring Yokozuna back with my millions of dollars, right? So I'm on one side of the court with Jessica Alba, and the Zombie Yokozuna is on the other. I have to stand at the line where they serve a volleyball in a regular volleyball game, Jessica has to stand within 4 feet of the net on my side, and Zombie Yokozuna has to stand 10 feet from the net on the other side of the court. Zombie Yokuzuna cannot move, Jessica Alba is allowed to move anywhere she wants as long as it's within 4 feet of the net, and I'm stuck at the server's spot. We're all playing to win, because the consequences of losing are ugly. Ugly like midget porn.
The game goes like this: I have 150 uncooked and still slightly frozen hot dogs. I have to throw them at Zombie Yokozuna. If I hit Z.Y. with an uncooked frank, he has to eat the hot dog. Jessica Alba can block my toss if she can do it without moving outside her 4-foot area. If Jessica catches the frank or I miss the Zombie Yokozuna, I eat the hot-dog. If Jessica moves outside her area, she eats a hot dog, and I get another free shot. If I decide to throw a hot dog at Jessica Alba and hit her, she has to eat the hot dog (of course, if she catches it, I eat the hot dog).
You get it?
At the end of the game, the two people who have eaten the most hot dogs have to fight. I think if I make Yokozuna eat enough hot dogs, Jessica Alba might have a chance against him. If I have to fight Jessica Alba, it doesn't matter who wins on paper, because really I win either way. If I end up fighting Yokozuna, I'm fucked, but I'm still a millionaire.
Also, this will be on Pay-Per-View. Some of the proceeds will go to the World Wildlife Fund, some of it will go to making a statue of me fighting a T.Rex, and some of it will go to getting Jessica Alba drunk enough to think I'm cute. The rest gets donated to science, so we can re-animate Yokozuna for next year's event.
You gotta dream, right?
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