Friday, January 27
In an alternate reality, my career as an avant-garde artist is finally starting to take off. Here's an alternate Linquist's report:
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Hey Shithead,
Get this: Sparked by the success of my first really big exhibition in L.A., MoMA has offered me the opportunity to "create a space" in six rooms in their galleries for four full weeks. New York, baby!
Sure, L.A. was fun for me, but it only served as the runway for the fantastic flight that will be my artistic career. Don't get me wrong, I owe a lot to my groundbreaking "Dog Penises!" piece - after all it definitely got the ball rolling. For a while, every art critic on the West Coast was talking about dog penises. I don't want to screw up a great thing, so my new show will pick up where "Dog Penises!" left off.
My viewing at MoMA will be a continuation of a theme: disturbing things you might see every day, but you don't realize just how disturbing they are until I point them out to you and the rest of the purblind public. I'm an artist, and I know how to skirt the line between truth and pretention. I do it well.
In my sixspace, each "Focus Area" will feature enormous blown up images of the horrors that we ignore each day. These stirring pictures - perfect moments in time - are cleverly arranged so as to spell out the name of each piece. Here are the rooms I have planned:
1)"Dog Penises!" Why mess with a sure thing? As a reporter for the L.A. Times remarked, "These harrowing close-up snapshots of canine genitalia are simple in scope, but rife with import when viewed as a whole... When divorced from the body of the dog, these unsettling penises collectively serve as a laser that unerringly zeroes in on our culture's simultaneous shaming and aggrandizement of sexuality... [The exuberance/dispondence] dichotomy is showcased beautifully, and the addition of a dachshund in flagrante delicto - the only photo that shows the entire dog - as the dot on the exclamation point reeks of the work of a subtle genius." Thanks, L.A. Times writer! I'm pretty sure he just likes dog cocks, but I'm not gonna bitch about the publicity.
2)"Hairs in Bathrooms" is the second station in my ArtSpace, and while the idea is fairly simple, it's turning out better than I had hoped. This piece focuses on uncertainty. Which of my co-workers is leaving pubes on the toilet seat? If I'm washing myself in the shower and I pick up that tangled mass of hairs spinning on top of the drain, does that mean I'm still clean or do I have to start over? Eeewww, did someone trim their junk-fuzz over the john? We ask ourselves a million questions every day, and just because these particular questions are asked in the bathroom doesn't make them any less valid than the questions you ask in the bedroom or even the boardroom. The bathroom is normally a private space, but what I'm doing here is bringing some of our private thoughts into a public arena. I think this is my most powerful piece, and throwing in a few surprisingly colored hairs (blond, red, even a green!) keeps the viewer on their toes. I know I'm going to hear comparisons here, but Marcel Duchamp can suck my balls.
3)"People Carrying Plastic Bags with Warm Dogshit in Them" is derivative of my early work. I know that. I'm just getting it out of the way so that some wanna-be doesn't do it first. I think my fans will be pretty moved by the shot of the anonymous woman's hand tightly gripping a Victoria's Secret bag overflowing with poop, though. That probably makes a statement of some kind, right? Some artsy-type will definitely come up with a meaning for that, and I'll be the first one to say "Yeah, I'm making a statement of some kind here." Because I'm an artist.
4)I realize that "Half-full Beers the Day after a Party" isn't really all that disturbing to anyone but me, but if I write something about "cleansing the visual palate" in my press release, I'm pretty sure people will buy it. I bet some asshole who writes for Creative Loafing calls it "puissant". For the record though, that one shot of the German beer stein with a half-smoked Marlboro Menthol floating on top of an oily sea of Milwaukee's Best Light isn't bad.
5)The fifth room is "Dirty Dishes." It's ostensibly about the energy that we spend cleaning up after ourselves after eating, and the enormous amount of food that we shove into our gullets each day. To be honest, though, I was just kind of running out of ideas. So I got a bunch of dirty crap in the sink and I don't feel like loading the dishwasher. That makes me lazy? Screw you. That Pot-Scrubber setting doesn't do anything anyway. I ain't washing these dishes. Whatever. Art is in the eye of the beholder, and if you don't get it, it's because you're not smart enough. It's about dirty dishes, and it's meaningful. I'm an artist. When I take pictures of laziness, I make it evolve into something new, something special.
6)This last room, "A Tossed Salad of Overdue Bills and Movies about World War II" is a sure-fire home-run. I like this one because we've all been conditioned to think that salads come at the beginning of a feast, regardless of whether said feast be for the mouth or for the eyes. I'm shaking things up a bit here. This eye-feast doesn't obey your rules, Officer Fuckjob, so just back off before I make you regret ever pulling me over! "Tossed Salad" reminds the viewer that while we owe a debt to our student loan officers, we also owe a debt to the brave veterans who gave their lives in Carentan so that we could owe money to our student loan officers. It's a regular visual Ouroboros, and if you don't see that it's because you're not smart and I'm an artist, and I reshape the word according to my whims. Good luck with that whole "retarded" thing.
Sucessfully,
Alternate Linquist
P.S. My girlfriend is attractive and is also a Karate expert.
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Well, that's that. Alternate Linquist kind of seems like a dick. The weird part is, I think he just might make it. I noticed he spelled "successfully" wrong so I still got that going for me. Which is nice. For the record, I bet he's bullshitting about his girlfriend. She's probably like a purple belt or something.
-
Hey Shithead,
Get this: Sparked by the success of my first really big exhibition in L.A., MoMA has offered me the opportunity to "create a space" in six rooms in their galleries for four full weeks. New York, baby!
Sure, L.A. was fun for me, but it only served as the runway for the fantastic flight that will be my artistic career. Don't get me wrong, I owe a lot to my groundbreaking "Dog Penises!" piece - after all it definitely got the ball rolling. For a while, every art critic on the West Coast was talking about dog penises. I don't want to screw up a great thing, so my new show will pick up where "Dog Penises!" left off.
My viewing at MoMA will be a continuation of a theme: disturbing things you might see every day, but you don't realize just how disturbing they are until I point them out to you and the rest of the purblind public. I'm an artist, and I know how to skirt the line between truth and pretention. I do it well.
In my sixspace, each "Focus Area" will feature enormous blown up images of the horrors that we ignore each day. These stirring pictures - perfect moments in time - are cleverly arranged so as to spell out the name of each piece. Here are the rooms I have planned:
1)"Dog Penises!" Why mess with a sure thing? As a reporter for the L.A. Times remarked, "These harrowing close-up snapshots of canine genitalia are simple in scope, but rife with import when viewed as a whole... When divorced from the body of the dog, these unsettling penises collectively serve as a laser that unerringly zeroes in on our culture's simultaneous shaming and aggrandizement of sexuality... [The exuberance/dispondence] dichotomy is showcased beautifully, and the addition of a dachshund in flagrante delicto - the only photo that shows the entire dog - as the dot on the exclamation point reeks of the work of a subtle genius." Thanks, L.A. Times writer! I'm pretty sure he just likes dog cocks, but I'm not gonna bitch about the publicity.
2)"Hairs in Bathrooms" is the second station in my ArtSpace, and while the idea is fairly simple, it's turning out better than I had hoped. This piece focuses on uncertainty. Which of my co-workers is leaving pubes on the toilet seat? If I'm washing myself in the shower and I pick up that tangled mass of hairs spinning on top of the drain, does that mean I'm still clean or do I have to start over? Eeewww, did someone trim their junk-fuzz over the john? We ask ourselves a million questions every day, and just because these particular questions are asked in the bathroom doesn't make them any less valid than the questions you ask in the bedroom or even the boardroom. The bathroom is normally a private space, but what I'm doing here is bringing some of our private thoughts into a public arena. I think this is my most powerful piece, and throwing in a few surprisingly colored hairs (blond, red, even a green!) keeps the viewer on their toes. I know I'm going to hear comparisons here, but Marcel Duchamp can suck my balls.
3)"People Carrying Plastic Bags with Warm Dogshit in Them" is derivative of my early work. I know that. I'm just getting it out of the way so that some wanna-be doesn't do it first. I think my fans will be pretty moved by the shot of the anonymous woman's hand tightly gripping a Victoria's Secret bag overflowing with poop, though. That probably makes a statement of some kind, right? Some artsy-type will definitely come up with a meaning for that, and I'll be the first one to say "Yeah, I'm making a statement of some kind here." Because I'm an artist.
4)I realize that "Half-full Beers the Day after a Party" isn't really all that disturbing to anyone but me, but if I write something about "cleansing the visual palate" in my press release, I'm pretty sure people will buy it. I bet some asshole who writes for Creative Loafing calls it "puissant". For the record though, that one shot of the German beer stein with a half-smoked Marlboro Menthol floating on top of an oily sea of Milwaukee's Best Light isn't bad.
5)The fifth room is "Dirty Dishes." It's ostensibly about the energy that we spend cleaning up after ourselves after eating, and the enormous amount of food that we shove into our gullets each day. To be honest, though, I was just kind of running out of ideas. So I got a bunch of dirty crap in the sink and I don't feel like loading the dishwasher. That makes me lazy? Screw you. That Pot-Scrubber setting doesn't do anything anyway. I ain't washing these dishes. Whatever. Art is in the eye of the beholder, and if you don't get it, it's because you're not smart enough. It's about dirty dishes, and it's meaningful. I'm an artist. When I take pictures of laziness, I make it evolve into something new, something special.
6)This last room, "A Tossed Salad of Overdue Bills and Movies about World War II" is a sure-fire home-run. I like this one because we've all been conditioned to think that salads come at the beginning of a feast, regardless of whether said feast be for the mouth or for the eyes. I'm shaking things up a bit here. This eye-feast doesn't obey your rules, Officer Fuckjob, so just back off before I make you regret ever pulling me over! "Tossed Salad" reminds the viewer that while we owe a debt to our student loan officers, we also owe a debt to the brave veterans who gave their lives in Carentan so that we could owe money to our student loan officers. It's a regular visual Ouroboros, and if you don't see that it's because you're not smart and I'm an artist, and I reshape the word according to my whims. Good luck with that whole "retarded" thing.
Sucessfully,
Alternate Linquist
P.S. My girlfriend is attractive and is also a Karate expert.
-
Well, that's that. Alternate Linquist kind of seems like a dick. The weird part is, I think he just might make it. I noticed he spelled "successfully" wrong so I still got that going for me. Which is nice. For the record, I bet he's bullshitting about his girlfriend. She's probably like a purple belt or something.
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