Yokels

If you owe 50 large to a loan shark and you duck into a casino in Atlantic City because you're being tailed by three fug-ugly giants, you have run to the nearest Roulette table, put down your last $3000 on number 13 and yell, "Fisting Lady Luck!"

Tonight's NHL preseason schedule features the Bruins vs. the Rangers in New York. It starts at 7pm, and will be broadcast on MSG.

Boston is icing what will pretty much be it's lineup on opening day, with the exception of some mix-and match fourth liners. New York will be without a handful of their best players, which is kind of a bummer. I'd rather see both teams at full-strength, beggars can't be choosers.

I'm excited to get a chance to watch Immonen and Dubinsky for the Rangers, and to see how Kessel plays on the top line with Bergeron and Boyes for the Bruins. Should be fun.

The obituary of Thomas L. Cook. --- From MeFi, but not to be missed.

Reprehensible and hilarious.

Here is a video of a cute girl eating a praying mantis. So you can check that off your list. Thank you internet?

I would rather that Pink didn't sing before I get to watch a Patriots game. Kind of ruins the mood. Someone at NBC must have decided that mildly creepy, mannish women can totally rock the introduction to a football game. Questionable decision.

Five old men are playing basketball in the driveway below my balcony. The net is only eight feet off the ground, because it's a kid's court. The second fattest old man decided that playing HORSE was beneath him, and instead of taking a shot he decided to knock a dude over, completely forget about dribbling, and dunk with so much force that he ended up on the ground right next to the hoop. He knocked over the hoop. Good for him.

Second-fatty left the court, holding his arm, but the rest of the old men decided to stage a slam dunk contest. The best part was when Mr. Newshoes got pushed into the bushes. He looked up at the ladies watching the game and asked someone (Mrs. Newshoes?): "Are my kids watching television?"

The game is over now. As I write this, there is a kid spraying a hose on the driveway. I'd like to think that he'll avoid the whole competitive thing. Get into Soduku and Jane Eyre and whatnot. But he's kinking the hose, unkinking, and letting the stream shoot right onto the garage door. And now he's doing it again. Dude doesn't even have a nutsack yet.

I'm very close to saying that being a jerk is hardwired in our Y chromosomes.

I bet I can totally hit that kid in the head with my neighbor's umbrella.

Butter Fried Krispy Kreme Donuts. Yes.

A better Spork. And a neat gear website for the Ninja.

Hannu Toivonen got a new mask this year:

This is the best pic I can find so far, but the quality is pretty shitty, so you might not be able to recognize it right away.

Remember Denis Lemieux from Slapshot?


Fucking awesome.

I've always wanted to go to Brazil.

Now maybe not so much. That's MACRODONTIA CERVICORNIS. My Latin is a little rusty, but I think that means "big teeth" and "vagina horn(?)". And yeah, the scale is in centimeters, but that's still half a foot long.

The largest insect in the world is TITANUS GIGANTEUS, which of course means "big" and "seriously big".
It can bite through pencils with its mandibles and also lives in Brazil. These guys can weigh a quarter of a pound.

The most horrifying part is that both of these beetles can fly. I have no idea why I looked this up today. Pretty much guaranteed to have at least one nightmare where one of these things lands on the back of my neck.

The TV in Japan blog. Just in case you were wondering exactly how batshit insane Japanese television is. Some highlights: 1, 2, 3.

#1 may be the best thing on TV ever.

People are crazy.

Wang to Pieter: Let's stay together forever.

Heil Honey I'm Home! was a sitcom produced in the UK in 1990. The premise is as follows: Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun live in an apartment in the United States next to the Goldensteins, a Jewish couple. How could this possibly fail?

It was cancelled after only one episode, which you can see here, if you're feeling masochistic.

If you didn't see it last night, watch Jose Reyes' inside-the-park homer. It's the first highlight listed under the "Print this page" link. And it's awesome. I love Gary Cohen's call as well.

God hates figs.