Thursday, October 9
Linquistradamus
My picks:
(Note: these are based on point totals, not playoff seeding. Do the math yourself.)
EAST:
1. Montreal
Fucking Montreal. Fucking Carey Price. Have you seen his profile on ESPN.com? Nice headgear, asshole. Fuck you Carey Price and fuck you Montreal. Good team, though.
2. Pittsburg
I guess they're missing some dudes from last year. Gonchar is a key guy, but this team can do just fine without him.
3. Washington, Washington
Ovechkin. He once held an opponent's wife's hand in a jar of acid. At a party.
4. New York Rangers
My second favorite team. Lundqvist, right? Who's your backup? Who cares?
5. Philadelphia
I hope this entire team is on a plane that crashes on a desert island. In the first few weeks, there's a Lord of the Flies sort of thing going on, during which a ravenous Braydon Coburn kills and eats Glen Metropolit. Just after the Flyers' murderous bonfire dies out, they see a plane circling above the beach, and the survivors think about their families and how civilized people do things back home. They regret killing Metropolit, who was the only likable guy on the squad. As the team gathers on the beach to be rescued, the plane that was supposed to rescue them suddenly sputters, chokes, and screams a death dive into the rocky clearing - killing or maiming everyone there. Crabs inch their way up from the shore and pick the meat from their bodies, whether they are dead or still clinging to life. Also, a volcano erupts so that their families can't recover the corpses.
6. Boston
No shit. The Bruins can roll four lines that can score. Four! The defense needs some work and the goaltending situation needs to be resolved. I love Tim Thomas like a brother and I think the B's can make the playoffs with him. They might be better off with Fernandez, though.
7. Ottawa
I really don't think they'll be very good this year. They have a team built around four players, and their defense sucks. I just don't see it.
8. New Jersey
You know that plane that nosedived onto the beach that the Flyers were on? The Devils were on that plane.
WEST:
1. Detroit
Just loaded with talent.
2. Anaheim
This has nothing to do with my predictions, but I've never seen an entire Mighty Ducks movie. There's like five of them. I guess I should think about a rental or something, but it's pretty far down on my to-do list.
3. San Jose
My third favorite team. Thornton, Cheechoo, Michalickachukworth or whatever. These guys will score in bunches.
4. Dallas
In a perfect world, Sean Avery and Mike Ribiero would have been in the cockpit of that plane.
5. Minnesota
Marion Gaborik gets the job done. There are probably other guys on the team, but I couldn't name a single one. Joe Six-Pack and Hockey Mom love this franchise.
6. Calgary
These guys have an underrated defense. My favorite thing about the Flames is that they don't have any big guys. Or small guys. Every player on this team is the same height and weight.
(Note: these are based on point totals, not playoff seeding. Do the math yourself.)
EAST:
1. Montreal
Fucking Montreal. Fucking Carey Price. Have you seen his profile on ESPN.com? Nice headgear, asshole. Fuck you Carey Price and fuck you Montreal. Good team, though.
2. Pittsburg
I guess they're missing some dudes from last year. Gonchar is a key guy, but this team can do just fine without him.
3. Washington, Washington
Ovechkin. He once held an opponent's wife's hand in a jar of acid. At a party.
4. New York Rangers
My second favorite team. Lundqvist, right? Who's your backup? Who cares?
5. Philadelphia
I hope this entire team is on a plane that crashes on a desert island. In the first few weeks, there's a Lord of the Flies sort of thing going on, during which a ravenous Braydon Coburn kills and eats Glen Metropolit. Just after the Flyers' murderous bonfire dies out, they see a plane circling above the beach, and the survivors think about their families and how civilized people do things back home. They regret killing Metropolit, who was the only likable guy on the squad. As the team gathers on the beach to be rescued, the plane that was supposed to rescue them suddenly sputters, chokes, and screams a death dive into the rocky clearing - killing or maiming everyone there. Crabs inch their way up from the shore and pick the meat from their bodies, whether they are dead or still clinging to life. Also, a volcano erupts so that their families can't recover the corpses.
6. Boston
No shit. The Bruins can roll four lines that can score. Four! The defense needs some work and the goaltending situation needs to be resolved. I love Tim Thomas like a brother and I think the B's can make the playoffs with him. They might be better off with Fernandez, though.
7. Ottawa
I really don't think they'll be very good this year. They have a team built around four players, and their defense sucks. I just don't see it.
8. New Jersey
You know that plane that nosedived onto the beach that the Flyers were on? The Devils were on that plane.
WEST:
1. Detroit
Just loaded with talent.
2. Anaheim
This has nothing to do with my predictions, but I've never seen an entire Mighty Ducks movie. There's like five of them. I guess I should think about a rental or something, but it's pretty far down on my to-do list.
3. San Jose
My third favorite team. Thornton, Cheechoo, Michalickachukworth or whatever. These guys will score in bunches.
4. Dallas
In a perfect world, Sean Avery and Mike Ribiero would have been in the cockpit of that plane.
5. Minnesota
Marion Gaborik gets the job done. There are probably other guys on the team, but I couldn't name a single one. Joe Six-Pack and Hockey Mom love this franchise.
6. Calgary
These guys have an underrated defense. My favorite thing about the Flames is that they don't have any big guys. Or small guys. Every player on this team is the same height and weight.
I learned that from NHL 2008.
7. Chicago
Kane and Toews. I want Chicago to rock because of these two. Two great young kids on an original six team, and it's hard not to respect a dude who completely disregards the rules of phonetics. Tavz? Really? Good for you.
7. Chicago
Kane and Toews. I want Chicago to rock because of these two. Two great young kids on an original six team, and it's hard not to respect a dude who completely disregards the rules of phonetics. Tavz? Really? Good for you.
8. Edmonton
This was a tough call, because I don't know anything about the Western Conference also rans. I thought about Colorado, but their goaltending sucks. The Oilers are difficult to play against in any situation, in any year. So there you go.
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