Yokels

Cingular and Verizon have created a hilarious list of words that cannot be used in ringtones sold by third-party vendors.

The complete list of Sandis Ozolinsh highlights.

Yeah, fuck Johns Hopkins. This game lodge surrounded by lions is just as good. You're gonna be one hell of a father.

An open letter from Brad Pitt's penis

Did you get the puzzle? And should I send that to you every week?

It shouldn't, but this clip makes me laugh every single time I watch it.

What if your professional hockey team was so bad that you decided to hold open tryouts? You could let maybe 200 guys or so pay a hundred bucks be evaluated by the team and compete for like 3 spots at training camp or something. And then, if you wanted to make some extra cash, you could turn the whole thing into a reality TV series that you could probably sell to your local sports network.

I'm thinking about pitching this idea to some of the weaker teams in the NHL. Oops, too late.

What's old is new again. The split-cycle engine returns with a new twist.

Grass Armchair for sale. And no, it's not what you're thinking, Ninja.

Reinhold Messner, who was the first man to climb Mt. Everest without oxygen tanks, has come face-to-face with a Yeti. It's not a gorilla-man, though. It's a bear. He says the Nazis were the ones who started that whole Yeti missing link thing.

Okee-doke, buddy. I've placed a request for his yeti book with the Hoboken Library.

I came across this info while looking up information on Asiatic Black bears, which are similar to our own brown bears, except that they attack and eat people all the time.

The only thing that irritates me more than seeing people riding their bicycles on the sidewalk on my walk to work is seeing professionals scooting along on those ludicrous little metal scooter things.

If you're wearing a tie and you're also on a scooter, you deserve no respect from anyone ever.

Boss: We're all going to have to pull together and put in some extra hours to meet the deadline on this project.

Employee: Um hey, Kip? Didn't you scoot to work today?

Boss: Yes.

Employee: Okay then. I'm outta here at five.

Anyway, as far as the bikes on the sidewalk thing goes, this morning I saw a guy on a bike ride through a pile of dog crap. Some of it stuck to his back tire and flung itself all up his back as he pedaled along. He didn't seem to notice. Dude's gonna be pretty bummed when he gets wherever he's headed and finds out there's dogshit all over his back.

There are no losers in midget kick-boxing.

The Bruins season is not over yet. The NHL Draft Lottery is being held today in NYC and since the BJs won their last game (in OT, no less), Boston has a shot at the #1 overall pick.

Time-waster. Waste your time.

"Look at you! You make me sick. Hold your hands out, I need to throw up in your lower-class hands."


"What is your greatest wish?"


"Would you kick a pony in the face to end world hunger?"

I've never seen Wonder Showzen before, but I think I'm going to start Tivoing it.

As it stands right now there are six teams battling for the five NHL Draft Lottery slots. The Penguins, Blues, Blackhawks and Capitals have all guaranteed themseleves at least a shot at the chance to draft Phil Kessel. Sure the odds are better for St. Louis and Pittsburgh, but the rest of the teams can still hope.

The race for that fifth spot? Well, that's between Columbus and Boston. Boston has 74 points with 1 game left and Columbus is at 70 points with three games left. If the two teams tie in Total Points, the BJs "lose" and Boston claims the fifth spot in the lottery. With the Jackets playing Chicago two more times the odds are not all that long. The Jackets other game is against Dallas, but if they beat up on the Blackhawks it might not matter. So you know, the Bruins remaining game is versus Atlanta who have won four of their last five.

The eight Western Conference teams that will make the playoffs have been decided. It turns out that for that conference my predictions weren't half-bad. I got seven of the eight teams right. And the only error was picking Vancouver (currently ninth) over Edmonton (currently eighth).

My Eastern Conference predictions? Um, not so good. Thank God.

The girl who sits a couple of cubes down from me is sick. She's been a little off all week, and was blaming allergies, but today's coughing and sore throat are a dead giveaway that it's something more than that. She came to my desk this morning to see if I had anything that might help her throat.

Part of my job is to order tons of products from our competitors. Since I work on the apothecary stuff, a lot of the things I order come from drugstore.com and places like that, and every time I order something they enclose a sample bag of something or other. I generally just throw these samples into my middle drawer, unless it's teeth-whitening gum, saline solution, nutsack powder, or something else I can use at home. There are a lot of sample bags in my middle drawer.

Anyway, I gave my co-worker a bunch of these hard candy-type throat lozenges this morning. Just after lunch, she came over to thank me, and ask if I had any more. I opened the drawer, fished around a little bit, paused uncomfortably, and then told her that I must have thrown the bag away.

I hadn't really thrown the bag away. I just didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her that I had mistakenly given her what I had just discovered to be a handful of "Fiber Choice" fiber supplements. According to the little pamphlet in the sample bag, one Fiber Choice lozenge has four times as much fiber as one Metamucil pill. They look exactly like orange-flavored hard candies, even down to the transparent wrapper. They do say "Fiber Choice" on the wrapper, but since it's in cursive and the wrapper overlaps itself, I'm not surprised she didn't notice.

I guess the right thing to do would be to tell her what she has been eating all morning, but I think I'm just going to pretend none of this ever happened.

One of the few beers that I will not drink even once.

There is something funny going on in the Washington National's clubhouse. (About 2/3 of the way down in the section about Pedro and Guillen.)

The bottom half of the tenth inning of Game Six of the 1986 World Series re-enacted in RBI Baseball (for NES).

I love the internets.

Have you been tempted by the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub? Oh come on, you know you have. You've seen the ads all over the talking-picture box and you've thought, "Wow, that does look tasty. And man, I could go for a sub right about now. And prime rib is really the only way to go."

Well, before you run off to Quiznos, The Consumerist gone for you. Prime Rib or bowel movement?

According to my roommate I'm a little late to the party, but Pandora is the best thing to happen to people who want to listen to music at work since Jesus made sliced bread out of water that he walked over. Or whatever.

Giving the Yotes reason to hope. (Via Offwing)