Monday, June 30

They’ve just informed me that Ali (our intern, and one of the few people that I can still stand to look at here) will no longer be working in my program. Instead, she’s being transferred to a new position where she’ll work with the fat idiot who has been pushing all of her work onto me. Our whole program was supposed to move downtown tomorrow! Here’s the kicker – once the summer is over and Ali goes back to school and starts working part-time, I’ll be taking over for her, working for the fat idiot. Awesome!

Sunday, June 29

Can you guess what car is ranked as the gayest of them all? Priceless.

Friday, June 27

This is fun. Fun for Friday. Weeee.

I think I've reached the end of the Internet.

About goddamn time, you old crochety bastard.

My HELL, as you well know, is me, Whoopi Goldberg, and Carrot-top folding laundry for eternity. I imagine that Strom's is similar, only Carrot-top is replaced by Ludacris and they watch a bootleg recording of The Next Friday on a 14 inch TV over and over. Whoopi looks over at Strom every few minutes and yells shit at the TV like "You go girl" and "Don't go there".

Rest in peace, you old asshole.

Thursday, June 26

Okay, so it's a repeat, but this Onion Article kills me.

I have no idea what to say about this, but it is worth the read.

I still don't know where I stand on the issue, but I do know a few things. First, this is an interesting link and based on my only connection to the recording industry (Nick) it rings true. Two, I don't download music because I don't care enough to go through the hassle. It's not easy. Maybe if I knew more or cared more it would be, but my personal experience with the sharing platforms has not been pleasant enough for me to compile a big collection. Three, no matter what, I hope Nick and the folks like him find a way to keep on keepin' on. I have no doubt they will. The industry may lose some, but it's safe and won't be going anywhere. While the guy who wrote the article gives them no credit, I know Nick (et al) works his tail off and deserves any freebie he wants.

Oh, and fourth, the price of Coke at the movies is not abnormally high because of the salaries of stars. It's all about the price elasticity of demand, one of my favorite nuggets of knowledge. They may benefit from the high prices, but they do not cause them.

Neil, you should know by now that you need to ignore all Ranger trade rumors until you see someone with a new sweater on, at MSG, actually playing for the Blueshirts. As a Ranger fan, I live through this every offseason. We hear we're getting This Guy or That Guy and we just know right away to wait and see. Additionally, you have to take extra special care not to fret too much over anything Larry Brooks says. The man is a moron. It's widely known, both in Rangers circles and in the wider NHL circles. It's known from east to west. Brian Burke once said, ""The mere fact it is in Larry Brooks' column renders it suspect." In other words, don't just take it with a grain of salt, take it with a giant glass of Shut-The-Fuck-Up-Old-Man.

Oh and if you thought Samsonov-for-Dunham was bad, try reading about Jagr (who the Capitals are willing to give away at this point) for Barnaby, Nedved and you-guessed-it, Lundmark. Why not toss in Blackburn and Tjutin? Oh, and we'll give Jagr a raise too. And change the team name to the Capitals' Punks. And give them our candy. And buy them beer.

Wednesday, June 25

From Spector's Hockey:

NEW YORK POST: Larry Brooks reports the NY Rangers might offer up Lindros for Curtis Joseph, provided they could get a good return, like Boston's Sergei Samsonov, by trading Mike Dunham.

Spector's Note: Who knows what Glen Sather's up to? He's rumoured to have spurned an offer of John LeClair from Philly, thought to be talking trade with the Capitals regarding Jagr, and supposedly in no big search for a new head coach, given his unreturned phone calls to Larry Robinson. Meanwhile, he's also supposedly trying to renegotiate Lindros's contract, if he isn't actually shopping him, and could face losing Brian Leetch to free agency. And who says he really wants Cujo? Especially when Derian Hatcher may be more enticing?

Crealese's Note: Samsonov for Dunham? Larry Brooks should be strung up by his nutsack for spreading rumors like this.

I totally want one of these smart-guy hats. Found on Art & Letters Daily.

You're getting some kudos (ummmm, kudos) over there for it, but since I couldn't stop laughing last night I thought I'd tell you that this is damn funny stuff.

"Searched the web for Patrice Bergeron + gay. Results 1 - 100 of about 736. Search took 0.57 seconds."

Tuesday, June 24

That NHLer from Dartmouth - maybe I was thinking of Scott Fraser? Here's a list of Dartmouth guys drafted, maybe you can find a good one. And before you get exited, no it's not that Dave Williams.

Back to the draft, buddy. Boston did some good work this year, and overall I'm pleased. They did some dealing before and after the draft, and when all was said and done they had ten picks this year - a first, 2 seconds, 3 fourths, and 1 apiece of fifth, sixth, eighth and ninths.

Their first pick was a guy by the name of Mark Stuart, who is by all accounts a can't miss defensive defenseman, but doesn't have the talent to be a superstar. You can read a bit about him at the top of this page. People compare his style to Scott Stevens in that he might not score a lot, but he fucks shit up in fron of his net, in the corners, and will stand you up at his blueline. He's supposed to be a good leadership guy, too, which is why he's captain of the U.S. Junior team. The Bruins traded the 16th pick overall to San Jose for the 21st and 66th picks, which is why they probably decided to go with the safest guy available when 21 rolled around. Too bad, too, becuase I was hoping they would pick up Zach Parise, who went to NJ with the 17th overall.

The second rounder that the B's picked up is named Patrice Bergeron. Yeah, it's a gay name, but O'Connel has already said in the paper that if he plays in Boston he's going to try to convince the kid to go by the name "Pat". Anyway, he's a center who is a great playmaker and faceoff man, although he needs work on his skating. He's a great kid, and works his ass off, even going so far as to hire his own powerskating coach. He's been compared to Adam Oates, but frankly I think that's a pipe dream. Still, I'm glad the Bruins went with a Center with their second pick, as now that Stumpel is gone it's by far their weakest position (Thornton and Vernarsky are the only natural centers on the team, with Zamuner, Rolston and Hilbert having been converted to cover sometimes).

The third pick was a Finn, and is apparently a total dickhead, unlike their first two. When they called Masi Marjamakis name, one of the local announcers told Kirk Leudeke of the New England Hockey Journal that he "fucking hates Masi Marjamaki", and that Masi "went to the Esa Tikannen school of pissing people off". So obviously I like this pick already. I don't have high hopes at all, but we could use another agitator on the bottom two lines who actually appears to be able to play the game, unlike P.J. Stock (although I love the guy). Oh, Masi is a LW.

The other picks were nothing speical, but maybe someone will come out of nowhere. My best guess for Bruins darkhorse is Patrik Valcak, who went 129th overall. He's Czech, and is kind of an irritant like Marjakami, only more polished but with less upside. He'll probably play in Providence next year, and I could see him earning a place on the third line with Boston if there are injuries (like fellow Eupropeans Mikko Eloranta, Antti Laaksonen, and P.J. Axelsson have done in the past few years).

Oh, and I know Jessiman because he's a New England kid. I'm a big fan, and I get a kick out of the fact that his nickname is "Huge Specimen". Mike and I talked a little about him when the Rags called his name. I think either CSS or the Red Line Report had him ranked 12th, but people were reluctant to pick him because he plays at fucking Dartmouth. Only one NHLer I've ever heard of came out of Dartmouth, and I've already forgotten who it was. Anyway, I hope he pans out, becuase he seems like a good kid.


Creepin' Meatball (the movie).

I've been doing a little reading on the subject so I decided one more Draft note couldn't hurt. And I further decided to pick one of the Rangers late-rounders that I think is gonna make it to the NHL. If he doesn't, you'll never remember this and if he does I'm a God of Hockey Knowledge (despite the fact the only way I know any of this is because the idiots at HF, like PotiSux and BarnabyHOFameBaby tell me so). Anyway, here's my choice...

Drafted in the fifth round, 149th overall, Nigel Dawes a left wing from Kootenay. I picked him because he's from Kootenay, he won some award, he's clutch and he's 5'7". Can't miss.


They tell me that Hugh Jessiman is the type of guy with big upside... "big" being the operative word. Large. He's listed at 8'14" tall and somewhere near 400 lbs. (all muscle) and this year emerged as a standout talent on Dartmouth's squad (smart guy too). A gifted winger with a solid shot and semi-silky hands Hugh comes with qualities that could make him a top flight star in the NHL, especially when you add "coachability" to the list of superlatives being attached to his name. The bad news is that no one knew this kid before, he didn't impress with his stamina or speed and people want him to hit more (add me to the list right away). So, he's either a good bet or a fold, we'll have to wait and see. Ahh, the joys of the draft.

Who'd Boston get?

Monday, June 23

They're raising ticket prices to pay for those free agents, right? Right? Wait a minute...
via HockeyPundits

Thursday, June 19

Start a mob, for no good reason. I love that this shit is completely unnecessary.

Beer for dinner on June 21st. Let's consider doing this.

NHL draft - percentage of draft picks active in the NHL since 1991 (stolen from hockeysfuture.com):

Columbus - 35 / 3 (9%)
Chicago - 129 / 14 (11%)
Detroit - 115 / 16 (14%)
Dallas - 113 / 17 (15%)
Nashville - 52 / 8 (15%)
Toronto - 121 / 18 (15%)
Anaheim - 96 / 16 (16%)
NY Rangers - 127 / 20 (16%)
Tampa Bay - 116 / 20 (17%)
Atlanta - 44 / 8 (18%)
Edmonton - 131 / 23 (18%)
Philadelphia - 108 / 19 (18%)
Pittsburg - 123 / 22 (18%)
Phoenix - 118 / 22 (19%)
Washington - 122 / 23 (19%)
Los Angeles - 118 / 24 (20%)
Montreal - 129 / 27 (21%)
St. Louis - 113 / 24 (21%)
Vancouver - 116 / 25 (22%)
Calgary - 129 / 30 (23%)
Minnesota - 26 / 6 (23%)
Ottawa - 106 / 25 (24%)
Buffalo - 125 / 31 (25%)
Florida - 99 / 25 (25%)
Carolina - 100 / 26 (26%)
New Jersey - 134 / 35 (26%)
Boston - 113 / 31 (27%)
NY Islanders - 122 / 33 (27%)
San Jose - 112 / 31 (28%)
Colorado - 138 / 40 (29%)

The hot girl at work just had her position eliminated. Sucks.

Wednesday, June 18

This is probably worth an email, but that's what Yokels is for in the first place. Read the whole thing, it's long, but worth it. So very interesting and classic NIMBY, no matter what Cronkite shoves up your pooper. Stupid fuck.

My new homepage.

Neil, you may not believe it, but that messed up press conference for the Bruins is actually a good thing. Back in '99 the Chicago Bears did something similar, sending a note to announce the signing of Dave McGinnis as head coach, but failing to actually sign McGinnis. Davey, not liking this, said hell no to those Bears and went on his merry way. The Bears ended up with Dick Jauron who has "led the Bears to their biggest two-season turnaround in team history by improving eight games... from the previous season". He also won Coach of the Year honors. Dave McGinnis ended up in Arizona. Dave McGinnis sucks.

See how everything works out in the end?

Boston announced former Bruin Mike Sullivan as new head coach. Oh wait, no they didn't. Stupid management.

Tuesday, June 17

I'm pretty sure you can do better.

"A Broken Body, a Broken Story, Pieced Together". It's the Jessica Lynch (still a hero) story, by Dana Priest (whom I love more than parentheis).

Monday, June 16

No, I don't live alone. I have a robot vacuum cleaner.
Found on Metafilter.

I'll be damned. It's a real racial slur.

Blayney is either forgetful or lazy. Here's the Conan O'Brien commencement speech he was talking about posting the other day.

Friday, June 13

I was going to post this under the heading, "There is a God." But to tell the truth, if that were the case this woman would not only be leaving her post, but I'd kick to her a couple of times in the head on the way out. It's the least they could do. We deserve that chance.

"Every culture has its juvenile embarrassments; misdirected enthusiasms which fail dramatically and in retrospect seem to say something humiliating about the civilization that pursued them."

Cough.

Some you don't miss it, this article was written in August of 1974.

Thursday, June 12

Your search - "Tube tops vs. Eskimos" - did not match any documents.
Your search - "Bring your Jews to work day" - did not match any documents.
Your search - "Whoopi Goldberg sucked my dick" - did not match any documents.

Your search - "Jews vs. Eskimos" - did not match any documents.
Your search - "Bring your tube top to work day" - did not match any documents.
Your search - "Whoopi Goldberg is smart" - did not match any documents.

This is the best NHL draft preview I've seen yet. From a Bruins site, but the information is non-partisan.

Internet nerds are getting closer to winning the X-Prize (for sub-orbital flight developed through private enterprizes).

"We are not a group of stupid, naïve women." Sure you're not, honey. 50 of you were engaged to the same guy.

Arkansas, bombed by nuke.

I don't know, fool. I like your list of books. I've read three of the five (four of the six if you include the double Vonnegut) and enjoyed each of those. But, I can't get over the inclusion of this assclown on your list. I read Roth's Human Stain and then I lit it on fire and showered for two days. Ugh. Terrible. Brutal. Pathetic. So damned bad that I can't imagine anything he wrote being close to good.

Let's just replace that one with Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, which is roll-on-the-ground funny, nowhere near subtle and widely liked. Then, my judgemental ass will be happy.

Oh, and you'll have to loan me Ham On Rye. Ummmm.

My teams suck. All of them. But Dan Blackburn, Patrick Ramsey (The Man) and Jose Reyes give me hope.

The link is old, and you may not care, but I'm going to keep you posted anyway. These three are all I have.

Wednesday, June 11

Oh man, if only we had this when Blayney spilled beer all over the controller the other night.

These are the five funniest works of fiction I've read:

5. Ham on Rye, Charles Bukowski – Okay, this might not be laugh out loud funny, but it’s funny. Darkly funny. It’s the kind of stuff you like to hear about, but don’t necessarily want to be involved in. I’m doing a terrible job explaining this, so just read a chapter and see for yourself. It’ll make you feel better about what a drunken loser you thought you were.

4. Portnoy’s Complaint, Philip Roth – This story about a young Jew’s adolescence is the longest set-up to a punchline I’ve ever encountered. Includes a first-hand account of humping a piece of liver from the butcher’s shop. If that doesn’t make you want to read it, I can’t help you.

3. Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. – This is ostensibly about the firebombing of Dresden and the horrors of war, but includes enough subplots, asides, and weird twists to make an argument that it’s about something else entirely. What exactly that “something else” is I don’t know, but I can tell you that it’s good.

***Honorable Mention: Breakfast of Champions – I’m pretty sure Vonnegut was the first person to ever put the phrase “wide open beaver” in print. Kudos, Kurt!

2. Catch 22, Joesph Heller – If you only ever read one Joseph Heller book, make it this one. Mostly because this is the only book he ever wrote that doesn’t suck balls. That doesn’t matter though - Catch 22 is both hilarious and poignant, and is the cleverest damn book I’ve ever read. It’s about a pilot in WWII who stares the inanity of war in the face and realizes that he’s just totally fucking sick of flying missions.

1. Franny and Zooey, J.D. Salinger – You can read this book as a message about the nature of God, you can read it for the curious interactions between a brother and his little sister, or you can just read it for the part where Zooey calls his mother a “Fat Irish Rose”. Gets my vote for best book of all time.

I've got all of these books somewhere, so let me know if you're interested in reading any of them.


Google advice.

Tuesday, June 10

Psst, use the balloon story.

Sweet! Just what we need.

If this happens, I would like to know who plays fourth line LW. Jagr, Kovalev, Bure or Carter? I would also like a hot fork to stick through my eyeball. And a quote from Barnaby about the joys of showering with Jagr again.

The man, the myth, the legend.

Okay, so maybe I should have been asleep hours ago. I tried, I really did. I read for a while, but then sleep just wouldn't come, so I turned on my computer again. Oddly enough, I decided against porn.

Remember newgrounds.com? The polpe who brought you the Cat's in the Kettle? Well, they're still around. As long as you're not at work, check this out. Don't worry about it - I'm confused too. Episode 3 is here. Unless you're retarded, you can probably track down earlier episodes yourself, which I'm about to do.

God bless beer and DSL. And Laziness. And Not Caring About Your Job.

We were as twinned lambs that did frisk i' th' sun,
And bleat the one at th' other. What we changed
Was innocence for innocence; we knew not
The doctrine of ill-doing, nor dreamed
That any did.
-William Shakepeare

Fair enough.

Monday, June 9

Weird. I was looking at drafting today, too. While trying out a new search engine, I decided to find out what it could dig up on the 1997 NHL draft (seeing as how three current Bruins were top-ten picks in '97). Ottawa used their 12th pick on Hossa, and at least one columnist was pretty pissd about it. Who did he want instead? Matt Zultek, a player who has never played in the NHL, showed up for 29 games in the AHL, and now spends his time playing for the Trenton Titans in the ECHL (when he's not crying and rocking back in forth in his bedroom with the shades drawn, I imagine). Anyway, here's the article about Ottawa's "missed opportunity".

Hindsight is 20/20, and it's easy to make fun of someone now that we know what we know about Hossa. Which is why I'm doing it, I guess.

More on NHL scouting.

Sunday, June 8

"Spam is increasing because it is an easy way for dumb people -- and a safe way for dishonest people--to make money.

Friday, June 6

59 years ago.

History puts the allied losses at Omaha Beach on D-Day at about 2,000 men. Most died before reaching dry land, either sucked down by the sea or clobbered by mortars and machine guns. In a single battle for this small stretch of beach, the difference was made by a few with amazing courage and good fortune. They turned the vaunted Atlantic Wall from unbeatable strategy for defense into one of the greatest blunders in modern military history.

You can do some weird shit with sawdust and water. Like make huge, virtually indestructable ice boats out of them. It almost happened.

You'd never see a cat come pick you up at the airport. Dogs rule.

Wednesday, June 4

Silly, silly Lords. Steve L.O.B. wouldn't make this mistake.

Tuesday, June 3

Wolfsburg Germany is the home to Volkswagen, thus the sponsorship of the local soccer club (two-time defending champs) and the special edition cars bearing the town's name.

This is a test. Yams are totally overrated. When it comes to tubers, it's potatoes or nothing for me, thanks.

Zeppelin Rules!

Lucky you.

Funny stuff that I'm adding to continue testing out this new site. - Jesus

Well, we have to start somewhere, right?

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