Monday, January 30

Bobby Clarke just walked right by me on 42nd street. I didn't punch him in the face. That's gonna bug me for a while.

Saturday, January 28


Friday, January 27

In an alternate reality, my career as an avant-garde artist is finally starting to take off. Here's an alternate Linquist's report:

-

Hey Shithead,

Get this: Sparked by the success of my first really big exhibition in L.A., MoMA has offered me the opportunity to "create a space" in six rooms in their galleries for four full weeks. New York, baby!

Sure, L.A. was fun for me, but it only served as the runway for the fantastic flight that will be my artistic career. Don't get me wrong, I owe a lot to my groundbreaking "Dog Penises!" piece - after all it definitely got the ball rolling. For a while, every art critic on the West Coast was talking about dog penises. I don't want to screw up a great thing, so my new show will pick up where "Dog Penises!" left off.

My viewing at MoMA will be a continuation of a theme: disturbing things you might see every day, but you don't realize just how disturbing they are until I point them out to you and the rest of the purblind public. I'm an artist, and I know how to skirt the line between truth and pretention. I do it well.

In my sixspace, each "Focus Area" will feature enormous blown up images of the horrors that we ignore each day. These stirring pictures - perfect moments in time - are cleverly arranged so as to spell out the name of each piece. Here are the rooms I have planned:

1)"Dog Penises!" Why mess with a sure thing? As a reporter for the L.A. Times remarked, "These harrowing close-up snapshots of canine genitalia are simple in scope, but rife with import when viewed as a whole... When divorced from the body of the dog, these unsettling penises collectively serve as a laser that unerringly zeroes in on our culture's simultaneous shaming and aggrandizement of sexuality... [The exuberance/dispondence] dichotomy is showcased beautifully, and the addition of a dachshund in flagrante delicto - the only photo that shows the entire dog - as the dot on the exclamation point reeks of the work of a subtle genius." Thanks, L.A. Times writer! I'm pretty sure he just likes dog cocks, but I'm not gonna bitch about the publicity.

2)"Hairs in Bathrooms" is the second station in my ArtSpace, and while the idea is fairly simple, it's turning out better than I had hoped. This piece focuses on uncertainty. Which of my co-workers is leaving pubes on the toilet seat? If I'm washing myself in the shower and I pick up that tangled mass of hairs spinning on top of the drain, does that mean I'm still clean or do I have to start over? Eeewww, did someone trim their junk-fuzz over the john? We ask ourselves a million questions every day, and just because these particular questions are asked in the bathroom doesn't make them any less valid than the questions you ask in the bedroom or even the boardroom. The bathroom is normally a private space, but what I'm doing here is bringing some of our private thoughts into a public arena. I think this is my most powerful piece, and throwing in a few surprisingly colored hairs (blond, red, even a green!) keeps the viewer on their toes. I know I'm going to hear comparisons here, but Marcel Duchamp can suck my balls.

3)"People Carrying Plastic Bags with Warm Dogshit in Them" is derivative of my early work. I know that. I'm just getting it out of the way so that some wanna-be doesn't do it first. I think my fans will be pretty moved by the shot of the anonymous woman's hand tightly gripping a Victoria's Secret bag overflowing with poop, though. That probably makes a statement of some kind, right? Some artsy-type will definitely come up with a meaning for that, and I'll be the first one to say "Yeah, I'm making a statement of some kind here." Because I'm an artist.

4)I realize that "Half-full Beers the Day after a Party" isn't really all that disturbing to anyone but me, but if I write something about "cleansing the visual palate" in my press release, I'm pretty sure people will buy it. I bet some asshole who writes for Creative Loafing calls it "puissant". For the record though, that one shot of the German beer stein with a half-smoked Marlboro Menthol floating on top of an oily sea of Milwaukee's Best Light isn't bad.

5)The fifth room is "Dirty Dishes." It's ostensibly about the energy that we spend cleaning up after ourselves after eating, and the enormous amount of food that we shove into our gullets each day. To be honest, though, I was just kind of running out of ideas. So I got a bunch of dirty crap in the sink and I don't feel like loading the dishwasher. That makes me lazy? Screw you. That Pot-Scrubber setting doesn't do anything anyway. I ain't washing these dishes. Whatever. Art is in the eye of the beholder, and if you don't get it, it's because you're not smart enough. It's about dirty dishes, and it's meaningful. I'm an artist. When I take pictures of laziness, I make it evolve into something new, something special.

6)This last room, "A Tossed Salad of Overdue Bills and Movies about World War II" is a sure-fire home-run. I like this one because we've all been conditioned to think that salads come at the beginning of a feast, regardless of whether said feast be for the mouth or for the eyes. I'm shaking things up a bit here. This eye-feast doesn't obey your rules, Officer Fuckjob, so just back off before I make you regret ever pulling me over! "Tossed Salad" reminds the viewer that while we owe a debt to our student loan officers, we also owe a debt to the brave veterans who gave their lives in Carentan so that we could owe money to our student loan officers. It's a regular visual Ouroboros, and if you don't see that it's because you're not smart and I'm an artist, and I reshape the word according to my whims. Good luck with that whole "retarded" thing.

Sucessfully,
Alternate Linquist

P.S. My girlfriend is attractive and is also a Karate expert.

-

Well, that's that. Alternate Linquist kind of seems like a dick. The weird part is, I think he just might make it. I noticed he spelled "successfully" wrong so I still got that going for me. Which is nice. For the record, I bet he's bullshitting about his girlfriend. She's probably like a purple belt or something.


Ovechkin Collection (Google Video)

Ben Bodner put this together. I don't know who the hell that is or why he put it together. I don't really care either. What I do care about is this -- Why isn't he running the NHL's marketing campaign?

And oh yeah, Ovechkin makes a lot of people look ridiculous in this video, but the things he does to poor Toni Lydman (#5 Buffalo - about a minute into the clip) deserve noting. I had to rewind about four times during that sequence and I'll probably watch it again when I'm done posting. Ovechkin doesn't even score on that particular play and I still feel bad for the entire Buffalo roster. I feel especially bad for Poor Toni Lydman, a mere hydrant to Alexander's lifted leg.

And me? I'm dumb. (This link won't go to the right spot, but scroll down a bit and you'll know what I'm talking about.)

Creepy kids as corporate mascots. The one in the second row, second from the left (with the spoon) gives me the heebies.

Via The Consumerist, a frequent stop of mine these days.

Thursday, January 26

This guy yells at his cats. - Movie link. It took a while to load, but it was worth it. Oh, and bad language too. Lots of bad language.

Wednesday, January 25

With only 7 points in 23 games, maybe our yellow sun hasn't granted Zenon Konopka any superpowers. I bet he's still famous on his home planet.

The restaurant critic from the NY Times spent a week waiting tables. It makes for a fun read, especially if you've ever waited tables.

Tuesday, January 24

Don't know if you guys saw the Bruins play the Caps last night. Frankly, I'm not sure why you'd watch a game between two such awful teams, unless it was to watch "rookie phenom" (man, I hate that phrase) Alexander Ovechkin. If you decided to watch because of AO, you would have been sorely disappointed.

The Bruins have finally figured out how to stay competitive against teams with star players: Stick Axelsson on them. When they played the Rangers on Saturday, Axe was assigned to play against Jaromir Jagr. PJ managed to keep him off the board until the shootout, at which point it would have been awesome to see PJ get in the way of Jagr's shot, but I don't think the refs would have been cool with it.

Last night, Axe was assigned to shadow Ovechkin.

If you've watched a Caps game on OLN, you already know that about ten minutes before the game starts, the announcers begin talking about nothing but Ovechkin while masturbating furiously. "Ovechkin is on the ice... Just watch how smooth his strides are... It's hard to say which is more impressive: his charisma or his scoring prowess... Between his skating and hitting ability, Ovechkin is like a God - only deigning to touch the earth through the avatars of his steel blades, otherwise the very planet might split in twain... I saw Ovechkin in the lockerroom before the game today and his legs are like treetrunks - knotted and powerful, but with a silky smoothness to them that makes you think about how they'd feel wrapped around your head... One can't help but wonder if the inside of his thighs would feel more like iron girders wrapped in velveteen or two 48 oz beefsteaks wrapped in sandpaper... Oh. My. God... I think I'm gonna come." This is almost verbatim from last night's telecast. And it was during warm-ups. Hey, I like the guy too, but OLN takes it to another level.

Anyway, during the game Axelsson was on the ice EVERY time Ovechkin was. Coach Sullivan had his first great idea in quite some time. It was tough to implement because the Bruins (in an away game) didn't have the chance to match lines, so PJ spent most of the game perched on the boards like a freakish giant crow, ready to hop onto the ice as quickly as possible when the situation warranted it.

It's sometimes tough to see the big picture when you watch a game on TV, but it seemed like Axelsson was everywhere. As soon as they'd show a shot of Ovechkin with or near the puck, Axelsson would come flying out of nowhere to block a shot or deflect a pass. The whole game Ovechkin seemed like he had no idea where Axelsson was, and then all of the sudden a lanky Swede would materialize in front of him. Once I'm pretty sure Axelsson dropped from the Jumbotron like a goddamn ninja and stripped the puck from AO. The replay was kinda iffy, but I'm almost positive that's what happened.

I've been saying it for years, but PJ Axelsson is the most underrated defensive forward playing today. If they actually gave the Selke Award to the Best Defensive Forward in the Game instead of the Best Defensive Forward who also Scores Assloads of Points, Axelsson would get consideration every year.

But back to the topic at hand: Ovechkin was held to only two shots. PJ was on the ice about 50% more than his season average. The B's won.

The game itself was a lackluster affair, and to be honest, watching the Bruins (who really suck) play the Caps (who really, really suck when Ovechkin is neutralized) wouldn't have been much fun for me had the Bruins not won. The Bruins started strong, didn't have the skill to keep up the pressure, and were lucky to get the win. Most of the game was dull. But the battle between an amazing defensive forward and an amazing offensive forward was extremely entertaining.

At the end of it all, even the OLN announcers had started singing Axelsson's praises. By the unsure, surprised yet excited tones of their voices, you could easily imagine them realizing that maybe there was more to this game than just Alexander Ovechkin. You could almost see them masturbating to their new hero, PJ Axelsson, soon crying silent tears over their inability to get close to Ovechkin's massive yet sexy thighs - all the while jerking off into their wadded up pre-game programs as they prepared for the post-game wrapup.

Not that I imagined that, though. Well, I guess I just did when I wrote that. And now, so did you. Sorry about that.



Here are the projected standings. The good news for Ninja? The Leafs squeak in by decimal points. The bad news? They'd face the rulers of Ontario.

Thursday, January 19

Send me La's Comcast webspace info and we'll have this thing up and running again. I have all the old pictures saved.

We can rebuild it. We have the technology.

Finding a new roommate:


Hello,
I'm a professional (IT), male, 29 years old!
I'm clean, easy going and quiet.
I like music, reading, going out sometimes.
I already leave in Hoboken (6th and Madison) but I have to move at the end of the month because my roommate is going to live with her boyfriend.
Spelling error

Hi,
I AM VERY INTERESTED IN THIS APT.!!!
Yelling error

Hi,
I'm a 22 year old male managing a dental office in Edgewater.
Career error

Hello,
My name is viviancool and i am 25 years old.I am a very tolerant person and down to earth.I dont intefer into other peoples businesses.I like to respect their privacy.I am looking for someone that i could confide in as a family and that could confide in me as well.I am open minded and also free with anyone.I am looking for someone that is okay with my kind of person and most especially a trustworthy person.
Waaaay to much information

Did you recieve my email about housing options?
Maybe?

Hi,
I was wondering if the apt/house is still available for viewing. A little about myself, I'm a considerate 24 year old, non smoking, professional (marketing), laid back gay male working in the city.
What is it about this apartment?

Hello!
My name is victoria, but you can call me vicky, anyway I am 26 and a model .pls i saw the add you posted on craigslist and i am really interested in being your roomate.i will be relocating to the US soon and i am really in need of a room.pls kindly send me details on the room you have for rent..And i will like to have answers to the question below.
1. I will like to have the description of the room, size, and the equipments in there.
2. I will like to have the rent fee per month plus the utilities.
3. Also I will like to know if there is any garage or parking space cos I will like to purchase a car as soon as i arrive.
4. I will also like to know if I can make an advance payment ahead my arrival that will be stand as a kind of commitment that I am truely coming over to take the room which will also serve as a collerteral for you to hold the room for me, upon my arrival to move in.
5. If the #4 questions is YES, I will like to know the total cost for me to pay, before i move in, somthing like a deposit or something to guarentee me the place prior to me arrival.
6. I will like to know the major intersection nearest your neighborhood. like shopping mall, bus line e.t.c
7. Lastly, I will like to know more about you and also I will like to have your pics as for me to know how my roommate to be looks like.
8. Payment mode.

Living with a model sounded like a good idea for about ten seconds. Look at number 8. Payment options? Would listening to you and your slick boyfriend Paolo hump until 4am while I cry myself to sleep be payment enough? No. No it wouldn't.

Hi,
I'm interested in the posting. Please let me know if I can come by and see the place sometime soon. You can contact me at the number below. Please feel free to ask me any questions that you may have.
Done and done

Holy jumpin! Indeed.

Friday, January 13

The most amazing "fishing" video I've even seen.

Wednesday, January 11

A new toy for Ninja?

Monday, January 9

Marc Staal was named the top defenseman at the World Juniors.

Wednesday, January 4

Record company execs are just like everyone else, only dumber.

Tuesday, January 3

This is a cool site about the attempts to uncover the history behind the first American settlers (not including the real first ones, but you know what I mean).

I'm happy. Woo-hoo.

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